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There was a time in my life when I believed control was the answer to everything.
If I could plan better, think faster, work harder, and predict outcomes more accurately, life would finally feel stable. If I controlled my schedule, my emotions, my finances, my relationships, and even people’s opinions about me, then anxiety would disappear. At least, that’s what I thought.
Instead, something strange happened. The more I tried to control everything, the more tired, anxious, and powerless I felt.
This is the paradox of control: the harder you try to control life, the less control you actually feel.
This article is not written by a philosopher sitting on a mountain or a psychologist with decades of research. It’s written by a normal person — someone who overthinks, worries about the future, tries to “fix” everything, and slowly realizes that this constant need for control is doing more harm than good.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed despite “doing everything right,” this might resonate with you.
Our Obsession With Control.
From a young age, we are taught that control equals success. Control your time. Control your emotions. Control your career path. Control your money. Control your future
We hear things like: “If you don’t plan your life, someone else will.” “You must stay in control at all times.” “Successful people never lose control.”
So naturally, we try. We make schedules for everything. We overthink conversations before they happen. We replay past mistakes again and again, trying to “fix” them in our heads. We worry about outcomes we can’t even influence yet. And slowly, control stops being a tool and becomes an obsession.
Why Control Feels Safe (At First).
Control gives an illusion of safety. When you believe you are in control: Uncertainty feels smaller. Fear feels manageable. Anxiety feels justified.
Control makes us feel responsible, mature, and prepared. It convinces us that if something goes wrong, it’s because we didn’t plan enough — not because life is unpredictable.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: Most things in life are outside our control. No amount of planning can guarantee: How people will treat you. How your body will feel tomorrow. When opportunities will appear. When things will fall apart.
Yet, instead of accepting this, we tighten our grip. And that’s where the problem begins.
The Hidden Cost of Trying to Control Everything.
Trying to control everything comes with a cost — one that is rarely talked about.
1. Chronic Mental Exhaustion
When you try to control everything, your mind never rests. You are always: Anticipating problems, Preparing for worst-case scenarios, Managing outcomes before they happen.
Your brain is constantly on duty. Even during rest, it’s working in the background. That’s not discipline. That’s mental burnout.
2. Anxiety Disguised as Responsibility.
Many people confuse anxiety with responsibility. They say: “I’m just being careful.” “I’m just thinking ahead.” “I just want things to go right.”
But if your thoughts are driven by fear rather than clarity, that’s not responsibility — it’s anxiety wearing a mask.
Control-driven thinking often comes from fear: Fear of failure. Fear of judgment. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of losing identity. And fear never brings peace, no matter how organized your life looks from the outside.
3. Loss of Trust in Yourself.
Ironically, the more you try to control everything, the less you trust yourself. You stop believing that you can: Adapt, Recover, Learn, Handle unexpected situations.
Instead of trusting your ability to respond, you try to prevent everything in advance. That’s not strength. That’s self-doubt disguised as control.
Why Control Makes You Feel Powerless.
Here’s the paradox in simple words: You feel powerless because you are fighting reality.
Reality is unpredictable. Life is uncertain. People are inconsistent. Emotions change. Bodies age. Plans fail.
When you try to control what cannot be controlled, you set yourself up for constant disappointment.
Every unexpected event feels like a personal failure. Every delay feels unbearable. Every change feels threatening.
So instead of feeling powerful, you feel: Frustrated, Helpless, Angry, Drained. Not because you lack control — but because you demand it where it doesn’t exist.
The Difference Between Control and Responsibility.
This is important, so let’s slow down here. Letting go of control does not mean becoming careless, lazy, or irresponsible.
There is a big difference between: Controlling outcomes, Taking responsibility for actions.
You can: Work hard without controlling results, Prepare without obsessing, Care without micromanaging.
Responsibility is about effort. Control is about outcomes. You are responsible for what you do. You are not responsible for how everything turns out. Once you understand this, something shifts.
Control vs Influence: A Healthier Perspective.
Instead of asking: “How do I control this?”
Try asking: “What can I influence here?”
You can influence: Your effort. Your honesty. Your boundaries. Your reactions. Your values.
You cannot influence: Other people’s emotions, Random events, Timing of outcomes, Past mistakes.
Focusing on influence instead of control reduces pressure without removing purpose.
Emotional Control: The Biggest Trap.
Many people try to control their emotions the hardest. We tell ourselves: “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I must stay strong.” “I need to be calm all the time.”
But emotions don’t work like machines. The more you suppress emotions, the stronger they become. The more you judge them, the longer they stay.
Emotional maturity is not control. It is allowing emotions without letting them control you. There is a difference.
What Letting Go of Control Actually Looks Like.
Letting go of control is not dramatic. It’s quiet and practical. It looks like: Accepting uncertainty without panic. Allowing mistakes without self-hatred. Adapting instead of resisting. Trusting yourself to figure things out.
It’s not giving up. It’s giving in to reality instead of fighting it.
Why Letting Go Feels Scary at First.
Control gives identity. When you let go, you may feel: Exposed. Uncertain. Vulnerable
Your mind will say: “If I stop controlling, everything will fall apart.”
But most of the time, the opposite happens. Life doesn’t fall apart. Your tension does.
Freedom Comes From Acceptance, Not Control.
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking everything. It means stopping the internal war. When you accept: You save energy. You think more clearly. You respond better. You suffer less. Acceptance is not weakness. It’s realism.
A Simple Practice to Reduce Control Anxiety.
When you feel the urge to control, pause and ask: Is this within my control or not? If not, what is within my influence? What happens if I allow this moment to be imperfect?
You won’t get perfect answers. But you’ll get space — and space is where peace begins.
Trying to control everything is exhausting because life was never meant to be controlled. It was meant to be lived, responded to, learned from, and sometimes endured.
Power doesn’t come from control. It comes from flexibility. From trust. From knowing you can handle uncertainty — even when things don’t go your way.
If you are tired of holding everything together, maybe it’s not because you’re weak. Maybe it’s because you’ve been holding too tightly.
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The Paradox of Control: Why Trying to Control Everything Can Make You Feel Powerless was originally published in Coinmonks on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.